This Is Who I Am: Our Beauty in All Shapes and Sizes is a new photography book by Seattle-based photographer Rosanne Olson. The project started  word-of -mouth, as individual women were delighted with their photos, and recommended her to their friends. Far from the perfect bodies, they are average women celebrating their bodies and forms.

Elizabeth Wellington, Fashion Columnist for the Philly.com writes about it here, and both Olson and Wellington make a connection between negative body image and the fashion industry. While fashion does play a part, between fashions designed for stick figures, no larger sizes available in trendy clothing, and advertising promoting an ultra thin version of beauty, the issues of body image are much complicated.

 While most of us have become immune to the ads from the fashion industry, a positive celebration of the average female form is easy to relate to, and a great celebration for all women.

Hips and Curves.com  is a site I just found offering really nice, full figured, lingerie. It is such a large collection that there is something for everyone.

 The styles are very classic, comfortable, and are very figure flattering for a real shaped woman. I love the amount of corsets and bustiers offered to show off a woman’s figure, and they are designed to give support where it is most needed.

 The pricing is competitive, and  the look of the site is very positive and supportive, even in their choice of beautiful, volumptous models. There’s even a buyer’s guide section with tips for men and an in-depth sizing chart. There are also gift cards!!!!

While visiting with a friend, we had a interesting conversation about men. She’s a single, 38 year old, white collar professional & mom of three. She has a nice home, car but struggling financially. There is really no reason for her to settle when it comes to men  , yet over and over again she does.

She knows full well in her head that there is no prince charming, but still in her heart keeps feeling one still will ride up and carry her away. She then becomes disillusioned when the man can’t live up to her unrealistic expectations.

If someone is claiming to be perfect and whisk you away from your troubles, be leery. There are no knights or princes. The ones that do show up are typically wolves in sheep’s clothing.

Those are the men to be most careful of. They are the ones that sit and wait and prey on the women that are lonely, desperate or weak. Women are leaving the door wide open for them to swoop in and get them right where they can have the most control over them.

 To reverse it a bit, a woman would be leery to sign onto a relationship with a man with no money, job or prospects. And those women that do sign on are expecting to repair the man, thinking that they can recreate him into their dream. The same applies to men. Those that are willing to sign on have their own motives, and rarely are they being generous or kind. They see a damaged object that they can “fix” to a certain point, but never enough to be truly free. The woman will always be dependent on him, and his investment of time and money.
Just because you read it as a child, there is no fairytale prince who will  ride up and “save” us. You have to write your own fairytale or story that is complete without a prince.  Only then will will you be able to find the right person to share your life with.

Known for their provocative ads, lingerie designer Agent Provocateur just released their new online campaign with a swash bucking pirate theme.

 You can have a taste of pirate life with their interactive movie, complete with hot pirates, sexy lingerie and treasure. As a matter of disclosure, I have to admit to having a pirate fetish, so the whole experience makes me tingle.  Aside from my personal appreciation, I love it when a company steps out of the box and offers us something more than a photo of their lingerie in front of a fireplace or bedpost. The pirate experience acknowledges women’s fantasies and fetishes in a steamy and positive fashion.

In other lingerie news, Boston College is getting heat from their conservative Catholic alumni over a deal with Victoria’s Secret that adds  the BC logo to Vicoria’s Secret’s Pink Collection. The article is here.

“There is no way that we want that (BC) logo to be interpreted as ‘We OK the sexualization of women,’ ” said Sharlene Hesse-Biber, director of the Women’s Studies Center at Boston College, about the products.

So what should we do, “desexualize” women? Victoria’s Secret is selling lingerie to women. And yes, we want to feel sexy and good, it’s part of the female experience. I’d rather embrace my sexuality than shroud it in Catholic guilt.

I’ve been working with a few different lingerie manufacturers, attempting to alter some existing designs to better fit women with regular shapes and bodies. Yes, it can be done, but even the slightest alteration increases the cost of the items more than it is worth. To me, there is no point of creating something that is outside the price range that people can afford, and to make it a great luxury item.

 Yesterday, I was out shopping, and stopped into a major lingerie chain in the local mall. I found a few items I liked, tried them on, and them proceeded to mix and match items to give me the look I wanted, but also give me the support I needed and the ability to cover certain areas. I purchased a really nice baby doll combination, and knew that the thong underwear that was part of the set wasn’t going to work. But I already own a pair of tap pants, really nice soft underwear that sits a little higher and closer to my belly button. It was perfect to match the babydoll top I really liked. Since the set was on sale, I purchased the outfit for less than $30, even though I would toss the thong.

 The thought occurred to me that this is how I typically shop. I mix and match items from department stores and lingerie boutiques that give me the look I want, the support I need and at a price I can afford. Why alter an existing $30 item and bring the price to $95, when the same look can be achieved off the rack for less?

The other side is that I feel good walking into a lingerie store and being able to buy off the rack. Yes, there are items I buy in the plus sized section, and even that has a negative connotation to it. Typically, you walk past the “regular” items, and find the plus sizes tucked away in a corner. But I enjoy the whole encounter, from smelling the lotions to walking out with the bag. There is pleasure in the whole buying experience.

So that’s my new goal, showing women how to mix and match “off the rack” items, and create new combinations that allow them to feel good

 Now that I am a little more calm after reading a recent article on female sexual dysfunction, there are a few points that I think are worth making.

The article states that since only 12% of women find their issues of “dysfunction” as bothersome, it’s not really an issue. The article says that it is reassuring that women are not concerned.

 As most women know, our sex drive does fall into natural cycles where it is lower at times than others. Simple stress, the demands of child rearing and careers do have a definite effect on our libidos.  But is it something to be brushed off as normal? My answer is “Not so fast”.

 It is important to trace the loss of libido to a definitive cause. Is it daily stress or the demands of my job, or could there be something more going on? Loss of libido can be a symptom of depression, diabetes, nervous system problems, and even early Parkinson’s disease. In the examples of depression and diabetes, both can lower our libidos and create a new sense of “normal”. With the loss of sex drive, we don’t crave sex, and therefore do not miss it. So it does not seem bothersome to us on a daily basis. So I wouldn’t be so fast to brush it off as “normal.” 

 But it is important that we understand our bodies, and if we do see a change in libido, we follow up on it and make sure that we are not missing an important diagnosis.

I came across this article  that left me quite confused.

According to the article, 43% of women report some sort of sexual dysfunction, while only 12% find it bothersome. The article then continues to state that ”only 12 percent reported distress related to any of these problems. ‘Sexual problems are common in women, but problems associated with personal distress, those which are truly bothersome and affect a woman’s quality of life, are much less frequent’ ”

Wait a minute, women’s sexuality is NOT considered a quality of life issue? If that were the case, then why are they labeling it as a “dysfunction”? Men’s sex lives are considered quality of life issues, and medical insurance plans even cover Viagra and penile implants as quality of life issues. Are we that different from men? What about issues or cases in which loss of sexual desire could be a symptom of a larger and more serious medical condition such as diabetes? By labeling the dysfunction as normal is not only dis-empowering to women, but could potentially stop a woman from pointing it out to a doctor to help diagnose a more significant or life threatening issue.

 The article then goes on to state even further:

“Although it’s reassuring that fewer women are distressed by sexual problems, they still affect approximately one in eight adult women ”

Why is it reassuring that women fewer women are distressed? Isn’t it possible that women have given up in frustration and resigned themselves that, using the same study, 31% of men suffer dysfunction, and receive medical help in the form of Viagra, implants pumps and other technologies while women are simply being told that their dysfunction is normal?

Even in doing some research for this post, I came across tons of bad information. On WebMD, their solutions for women’s sexual dysfunction were to “buy new sheets” and “light candles”. Pretty sad coming from one of the top health authorities on the Internet.

The reality is that women’s sexuality is not only a quality of life issue, but a health issue.

I remember early on in my relationship with my husband, and he one day came home with a big ego grin on his face. He was a little full of himself after the bank teller was outright flirtatious with him. How dare him tell me about that, is he insane? Was he trying to hurt me and make me feel bad? My response was to verbally slap him down a little.

“Really, well she doesn’t live with your smelly socks, unshaven appearance and have to watch you lay on the couch all day Sunday,” was my reply.
 A few weeks past and we got into a small disagreement. So I went into my vault and pulled out the fresh ammunition I now had. “Well then go see the bank teller, maybe she will care.”  I know it wasn’t nice, but we all have done it. I had held onto some imaginary hurt, and waited for a good time to unleash it. But then something he said clicked in my head.

He said “You want me to confide in you, and to be my best friend, but then you hold things I tell you against me and use them to hurt me”. He was right.

He was trying to share just like I asked him to do. But then my insecurity made me become cruel and jealous. I felt insecure or mad, and hurt him with his honesty. 

 I had to admit the truth to myself, swallow hard and admit the truth to him as well. I felt jealous and insecure, and I held onto it, and put it in my vault to bring it out at a later date, inflict pain, and in my head, win the argument.
I realized that I can’t have it both ways. I can’t ask him to allow me to be his confidant, and then use what he tells me against him later.

Somewhere along the line, we learned that when we are in a relationship, we should be the sole source of his self confidence, and after marriage, he no longer needs outside attention to make him feel good about himself. Not only is that unrealistic, it is also selfish. It took me a while to realize that if someone else compliments him, it’s not a reflection on me or that I am not doing something right.

 I can’t be solely responsible for him feeling good about himself. Why should I take on all that work? If someone wants to compliment him, its not a reflection on me if he feels good about it. We all feel good when someone compliments us, whether its about work, our appearance, or even a funny story. And I do want to be the one he shares his triumphs, big and small, with.

 Now when he does gets a compliment, I do see his confidence goes up. He walks a bit taller, puts on a nicer shirt.
Maybe  he gets a new haircut that I have been asking him to do forever, and finally feels goods about himself that “he wants” to go get it done.

I see the rewards, have less of the responsibility, and have learned to be the one that listens and supports, not the one who takes everything as a reflection of myself.

I’ve read through my blog, and I think I sound a little “preachy”. I want this blog to be honest, like all my other projects, and share things I have learned and mistakes I have made, as well. I’m not perfect, but I know I’m a good spouse and great mother. The only difference is that my job might be a little “unconventional”. 

Do I live an unconventional life? I don’t think so. I don’t sit around on a chaise lounge eating bon-bons waiting for the phone to ring. It’s quite more mundane than that. Between laundry, cleaning the house, fighting with teenagers, being a teenager’s taxi driver, it is quite the ordinary life. Except for one aspect. Work.

 Just like anyone else, I have a job. My job just happens to be a little unorthodox. I have days I want to call in sick and days that people frustrate me, and days that I feel I need a big raise. If you have read my “About Me” page, you know I am a gentleman’s companion. I spend my time stroking other people’s egos.  Am I a street hooker? No. I am very selective on my clientele, and what they are looking for. Is it about sex? Honestly, not so much. It’s about listening, and someone wanting to be listened to and validated. It’s about people who may not be alone, but feel alone. To spend time with a companion who has their undivided attention is an opportunity to just be themselves, with no pressure to live to anyone’s expectations or job title.

 You would be surprised at the number of interesting, charming men who’s exterior may, for lack of a better word, be flawed. And because of that, they have no confidence, or nobody to talk to. Many are men who have been hurt numerous times in previous relationships, see no need for another relationship, but do have the very basic need for interaction. They want to enjoy a bottle of wine, a nice dinner with a beautiful woman, laugh, watch a movie and just have fun, with no strings on their emotions or wallet (other than my fee).

 Am I going to try to convince you that my job is honorable or that I am misunderstood? No, take it or leave it, this is me. I owe no explanation, I enjoy what I do. Some days suck, others are great.

From this point, my blog will be more of a personal diary, but not a courtesan’s diary. It’s not about my job, it’s about my life in general, lessons learned, and lessons still needed to be learned. I do have a direction I want this project to go. Learning to be happy with yourself, embracing your choices, and not letting anyone say “you can’t”.

“Create a vision and never let the environment, other people’s beliefs, or the limits of what has been done in the past shape your decisions. Ignore conventional wisdom.”

 Anthony Robbins